Sunday, February 10, 2013

'Big Book of Grievances'

Mr. Heckles - Friends
1.  If I set my coffee mug above the passenger side right door, assume that is where I plan to rest my tuckus.  I am NOT being a kind person and saving you a seat there.  So when I stand in front of the door to open it, walk away. Go to the other side of the car.  Sit on your own side.
2. Showers are a necessity.  I suggest you take one and invest in deodorant.  And maybe drop that disgusting habit of smoking, because it really isn't adding to your personal aroma. . .  
3.  Perfume is supposed to be subtle.  I shouldn't be able to smell you 2304983490 hours after you leave the elevator.  Thank you for successfully raping my nose at 6:45 a.m.  I hate you.
4.  Thank you for honking while sitting still in traffic.  It makes me feel better, too.
5.  I really enjoy being asked the same questions over and over, every day.  Please continue to do so.
6.  Libraries are a quiet place.  So shush. Stop running. Stop bombing the shelves.  I made shelf markers for a reason.  Use. Them.

7.  Unless it is Christmas Eve morning or Christmas morning, there is not enough coffee in the world for me to WANT to have a conversation with you that early in my day.  Therefore, shush.

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