Thursday, March 31, 2016

Anxiety Revelation

Since submitting my law school apps, I have felt nothing but anxiety. As mentioned in my previous post, it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster!  

A couple nights ago while reading before bed, it occurred to me why I am having soooo much anxiety regarding law school. There is of course the normal stress that change can bring, but I also will be leaving a job that I love, with people that I love working with. By leaving the job, I am removing my ability to successfully support myself. BOOM! There it is. The thought of not being able to support myself is terrifying. I am absolutely blessed with a loving, hardworking, husband who is more than willing to work to support both of us for the next few years. That isn't the issue - that is wonderful. I think I have some deep-rooted need to know that no matter what happens, I can take care of myself without needing anyone's help. If I'm being honest, without needing a man's help. I have trust issues when it comes to males. I'm sure anyone with a psychology background can psychoanalyze the crap out of that paragraph. 

It helps me to know that after law school, Ben and I will reverse roles. He will dive full-time into a Ph.D. program of his choosing and I will bring home the bacon. It is also incredibly helpful that I feel solid in our marriage and that we are both on the same page in terms of our commitment to one another and our wanting the other to succeed. I basically need to enlist the help of a therapist to straighten out the crazy that goes on in my head. Understanding that this is what is causing me significant amounts of stress and anxiety actually helps to relieve it a bit. Thank goodness.

Of note: I have been accepted to a law school!! I have only heard from one of 8 that I applied to. Hopefully I see some more admissions roll in!