Clarity

I have been asked on multiple occasions why I decided to take a year in between getting my bachelor's and starting law school. One part of the answer has to do with financial security. I want to take extra time to build our savings so that we don't have to go as far in debt, because trust me - we will have plenty of it after law school! Another part has to do with my marriage and time spent with family/friends. The past two years I have been absent quite a bit. I said no to many things and feel as though I've neglected my relationships. I want to take a year to nurture those relationships. The biggest part of my decision has to do with my overwhelming anxiety.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I shut down. I have struggled with this the last two years and I am so proud of myself for not crumbling completely! Working full-time, going to school nearly full-time, and trying to manage my relationships was hard.  Really hard. Because I took classes during spring, summer and fall, I never got a break from the constant feeling of being on the verge of failure. That's how I feel when I'm at my max - close to failure in some aspect of my life. I start thinking I can't do it. I get anxiety about my anxiety and worry that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and that I'm going to fail. That is crippling. SO - a year of returning to a normal playing field is much needed before embarking on my law school adventure. I am optimistic that while law school will be difficult, I will feel less overwhelmed because I will not be working and can focus solely on my education.

Mental health is such a taboo topic, even still as many celebrities and other well known individuals have begun to reveal their personal struggles. I am a deeply private person and it is hard for me to be open about this topic, especially since I do feel shame surrounding my issues. Why do I write this post then, you ask? Because at least here you can read it, know my reason, and I won't have to feel uncomfortable trying to explain and justify my decision.

Never ending struggle.

You know that thing called metabolism? Well mine sucks. It has since I was like 12 years old. So it is seriously a never ending struggle to remain at a weight I am comfortable with and unfortunately, I am not perfect. I fall off the wagon and gain weight and hate it. I inherited the Watznauer genes and am doomed to deal with this the rest of my life. Since I have been dealing with it for so long, though, I joke that when I'm 40+ and my metabolism dips even lower, I'll already know how to control my weight because I've been doing it for SO long.

In January I made the decision to join Farrell's because I was absolutely not happy with my weight and appearance and wanted to get fit and healthy again. It was also a motivating factor (but not the main factor) that we are going to Hawaii in June and I didn't want to feel like a beached whale while lounging in a two piece swim suit. It is now May and while the scale has not moved substantially, I have lost inches and can actually fit into clothes that I haven't been able to squeeze into in almost a year and a half. That feels fantastic!

I am still a ways away from where I want to be. I am about 3-4 dress sizes (depending on the day) away from where I want to be, but I am working hard to get there!

Another motivating factor in all of this was finding out that I am fructose intolerant.  I had to change my eating habits if I didn't want to feel like junk anymore. That means cutting out sweets (which I struggle with a lot - and pay for a lot when I give into cravings), processed foods, fast food, etc. I also have dairy sensitivities (common among those who are fructose intolerant) and so regular trips to DQ are a no-no. These eliminations from my diet have had an impact on my size as well. I am still trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat since it is different for everyone, but I'm proud of my progress.

To document my progress, here are a couple photos from late August of 2014:

And here is a photo from April 27, 2015:

Look at how much thinner my face is?! Part of the body slimness in that photo is due to the fact that that mirror is AWESOME. A $10 Wal-Mart purchase that always makes you look thin. :) BUT most of that is due to my hard work. I purchased that dress in November of 2014 thinking that when I lost weight I could wear it. It was too cute to pass up at the 2nd hand store! I couldn't come close to buttoning it when I purchased it. Basically from the T-cross up was open and the arms were so tight that if I flexed (or pretended to flex [non-existent muscles]), it would rip Hulk style.

Honesty I struggle to see any difference and don't feel as though I have made progress, but that dress proves that I am strides ahead of where I was previously. I plan to continue in Farrell's as a fit member and also have the 21 Day Fit Extreme that I follow sporadically. I am determined to get to where I am comfortable and feel good in my own skin!

Progress: Scale Obsession

I work out.

I can remember back to the beginning of my freshman year of high school when I was sitting on the bleachers of our gym with my friend Kelsey after having just been weighed in front of everyone.  We were both pretty mortified.  I couldn't believe I actually weighed 121 pounds. . . Man, what a fatty.

 

I'd kill to be "fat" like that again.

 

I think it was sometime around middle school when I was actually told by a classmate that I was "fat" that my obsession with the scale began.  I had to have my weight at a certain level or I was eternally doomed to the single life and moo moos.  What ridiculousness! That actually led to unhealthy eating/workout habits my junior year of high school which, thankfully, I overcame. 

 

Since then, I have continued to struggle with focusing on the number on the scale instead of focusing on being healthy.  It took awhile, but I am finally getting away from that bad habit.  I have been lifting weights and know that inevitably I'm going to gain weight due to more muscle mass.  My pants are starting to fit better by just a smidge (I think - or maybe that is just in my head), so why do I need to get on the scale each morning to "check in"?  Answer: I don't.  Maybe I'll weigh in once every month or so just to guage things, but I'm not going to let the number tear me down. 

 

I should just get rid of my personal scale and use the one at the gym.  . . . I don't think I'm quite ready for that step yet.  But progress is progress!

 

This week at the CR Jackson household. . . 1.0

What a week.  Upside: two free tickets to the Roughriders hockey game on Wednesday which meant an impromptu date with my permanent roommate.  We both enjoyed the mid-week break and the chance to do something fun for el-cheapo.  

@ the game!  We had AWESOME seats.

The rest of the week was down hill from there with over tiredness and work stress.  Ben picks me up after work each day and on Friday showed up with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers on the passenger seat.  They were a complete surprise and made me a little weepy.  Such a sweet husband, I have.

We went to happy hour with Johnna, Danny & Maelynn at the Irish Democrat where I indulged in a much wanted/needed key lime pie martini.  I always love spending time with that little family. :)

Ben and I did fairly well this week with maintaining a healthy diet and exercising.  Well, sort of.  We find that it is hard to balance social life with exercising.  Since we get home a little after 5 p.m. and we generally like to be in bed around 9 or 9:30 p.m. to read and unwind from the day, it is a bit of a crunch to try and fit in both the gym and an evening activity.  For example, we normally change to go to the gym, get there around 5:45 p.m. and leave about an hour later.  Then there is supper.  And if we were going to go somewhere we'd want to shower.  Then o poop, it's time we get in bed. . .  I refuse to sacrifice having a social life just to go to the gym, so we are working on figuring out a good balance.

Going along with all that jazz, I have also ordered a couple of books to start educating myself on nutrition so I can decide what is really best for me instead of following some guru's diet plan.  I'm looking forward to those arriving in the mail soon!  One is on health and nutrition, and the other is on essential oils.  I've read on other blogs about all of the homemade junk you can make using essential oils and other expensive crap, and I kind of want to give it a try.  It is better to go natural than continue to expose myself to all the chemicals in store bought things.  I.e. natural house cleaning products, hair products, etc.

To end this post, I will leave you with a couple of recipes that I used this week and L-O-V-E.  First is a smoothie that I threw together that satiated my "need" for something sweet AND it tastes like a Tootsie Pop. Awesome!  Second is a salad that I threw together because apples and avocados were on sale and I was in the mood for some greens.

Tootsie Pop Smoothie

You need:

Frozen mixed berries

Almond milk

OJ

1 scoop chocolate whey protein powder

4 or 5 ice cubes

1 T honey

To do:

Mix everything together in a blender or smoothie maker.  Serve right away. 

Apple &Avocado Salad (for 2 people)

You need:

1 Apple, diced

2 Avocados, diced

2 oven-baked chicken boobs

Spinach

Romaine Lettuce

Walnuts

Panera Bread Poppy Seed Fat-Free Salad Dressing

To do:

Toss spinach and lettuce together.  Grab what you want for your bowl.  Add all the other crap to your liking.  EAT!

NOTE:  Let's do a little comparison here just for fun. . .

Panera Poppy Seed Dressing:

2 T = 15 Calories, 0 from fat

0 g Fat

0 mg Cholesterol

150 mg Sodium

HyVee Buttermilk Ranch: 

2 T = 120 Calories, 110 from fat

12 g Fat; 2 g Saturated Fat

10mg Cholesterol

300mg Sodium

Peace out.

Healthy Lifestyle

I want to be a bit smaller than this and TONED!
I'd take that tan back, as well.

Though it was a depressing task, I had Ben take 'before' pictures as a reference point in my fitness/health goals.  I also took measurements of my waist, thighs, arms, hips and "gut".  (The gut is not a typical measurement, but one I added in for my own benefit.).  O, and I weighed myself.  The pictures, measurements and weight will not be making an appearance on this blog until I have awesome transformation stats to post, but I think it was a good step to acquire those in order to track my progress and see the difference my lifestyle change is making.

 

I'm changing up my normal gym routine that I have used in the past.  I used to just hit whatever cardio machine caught my fancy and park it there for an hour each day.  As a friend told me, that accomplishes you getting "skinny-fat", aka skinny, but still squishy.  I want to be thin and toned, therefore, I'm hitting the weights!  I've downloaded the bodybuilding.com app on my iPhone and browsing through programs and different workouts on there that I can try.  I have always been intimidated by weightlifting, so this is a big deal to me.  Yesterday, I even crossed into the free weight section of the gym! Woot woot!  

 

Along with my fitness goal, I also want to start eating healthier as well.  I keep track of what I eat daily on the MyFitnessPal app and was disappointed to see the percentage of fat and carbs to the protein my diet.  I essentially have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to all that jazz, so I'm going to start doing my research.  If you know any good books or blogs, please let me know!  

 

In other news, it's cold.   

 

Puck that!

'Tis the season of disgusting snot and loogies and coughing and everything else that gets clogged up in your head and refuses to come out.  

Solution? Awesome shower pucks that smell like heaven and soothe. . . your soul. :)

Just pop one of these bad boys in the shower and BAM.  You can breathe!  Best part?! They are SO friggin' easy to make!!

Ingredients:

Baking Soda

Water

Eucalyptus, Lavender & Rosemary Essential Oils

To Make:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Add 2 cups of baking soda to a bowl.  Slowly add 2/3 C of water until you have a semi-thick paste.  

Line a muffin tin with some pretty paper liners and spoon in the baking soda/water mixture until about half-full.  Bake for 20 minutes. 

Remove pucks from muffin tin before completely cooled.  

(I used a knife to gently pry them out.)  

Add 15 drops of each essential oil to each puck.

Allow pucks to dry overnight.  

Remove from liners and store in a plastic bag or tub or anything.

You can use each puck for a couple of showers, which is dandy (so long as you don't take hour long showers like a certain brother-in-law. . . ).  

Also, essential oils can be found almost anywhere.  I got mine at HyVee in the Health Market. 

The end and enjoy!!

Dance Playlist!

Want to get back to this size/healthiness/fitness level!

 I have found it difficult to get into a workout routine in Dubai. With the high cost of gyms and the heat, it is difficult to find indoor or outdoor exercises that are fun and keep me motivated. The lack of exercise has left me feeling squishy and gross, exhausted all the time and has lowered my self-image a bit. Not good things. . . Happily, I have found something FUN to do that works cardio and also will help to get some muscle tone back!  Woo hoo!!

 

What is it you ask? Awesomeness, I say.  :)

 

We went to a brunch hosted by one of the teachers at school and they had a Kinect set up. I was skeptical at first because I have played the Wii and was less than impressed.  The boys started out playing ping pong and then someone suggested putting on Dance Central. Where you dance. And get points for being a rock star. I played once and was addicted!!  A Kinect has been added to our  'must purchase upon arrival to States' list.

 

And this size/healthiness/fitness level.

 

I didn't want to wait that long to play, so I started Googling and low and behold, people have uploaded the game to YouTube!  Yay!  I have put together a playlist of some of my faves so far (I am still looking for fun ones to add! The more the merrier!) and LOVE exercising!  I was telling Ben last night that normally I get to the point in my exercising where I'm just like, 'UGH - is this EVER going to END!'.  I don't have that feeling with the dance playlist!  I get really into it and have a good time with it. I constantly am saying, 'Okay, I'll just do ONE more and then will [insert task that needs to be done].' 

 

Link to playlist:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RPPwZHJO1A&feature=share&list=PL8Djrjj3b5M_QH9sBJ-h-0pHw-FwMihXa

 

So, with my excitement and motivation, I hope I have inspired you to try my dance playlist! I warn you - it is fun and addicting and you'll want to do it again.  And again.  And again. :)